1/24/2023: Hello, finally

I've been saying I want to start a blog on my neocities site for I don't even know how long now, and I kept putting it off because I couldn't decide exactly how I wanted to format it or what I wanted to write about & felt like I needed to have it perfectly planned out before I could start, but I've had enough waiting around until I suddenly become gifted with the knowledge of how to do it exactly right - I'm just doing it now. I think I need to just figure it out as I go along, otherwise I'm not going to figure anything out at all.

Another thing I've been continuously saying I'm going to do and putting off is making noticeable improvements on my social media addiction, and I feel like having a more "clean" outlet for my thoughts without relying on tumblr or twitter might help a lot with that. I'm interested to see how differently it'll feel to blog without the notification-dopamine-reward incentive. I feel like a downright embarassing amount of my brainpower is dedicated to creating Content that will get me likes and reblogs, so what happens if I just create things without any of that feedback whatsoever?

I mean... As miserable as this sounds I feel like my life at this point in time is basically just centered around Creating Content. Is this too heavy for a first blog post?? I don't know man. It's just like everything I do is viewed through a lens of "how do I turn this into Content for people to Consume". I want to detach from that and figure out how to just be a person again but I'm worried it's too deeply engrained in my brain to get out of now. Well I guess I just have to start somewhere and see what happens.

And yeah writing a blog post like this is still "creating content", but I feel like it's different - it's more "one-way". I'm still writing something that I know other people will be able to see, but there's no number going up to show me how many people saw it (aside from the overall view count on my site which isn't super reliable anyway), and there's no replies unless someone wants to go out of their way to email me or comment on my neocities profile... I don't know, it's kind of hard to articulate the difference but there is a difference to me.

In other news - so this first entry isn't just me complaining about how mentally unwell I am - I've been experimenting with making music in LMMS lately, and even though I have no idea what I'm doing I'm having fun and that's all that matters. I haven't really made anything substantial yet, I'm just kinda throwing noises together until I like how they sound, and then getting bored very quickly and giving up, but hey that's more than I expected I would be able to do. Here's a compilation of some of that I put on youtube. Maybe eventually I'll have the patience to put together a complete, listenable song... Someday...